By Thomas A. Anderson, Wall Street Correspondent
New York City, April 1, 2013 (Yes, April Fools Day)—Word on the Street was that the consumer turnout in California for Prop 37 and the recent Whole Foods Market announcement was a death knell for GMOs.
But inside sources reveal that the brightest minds from Madison Avenue, along with secret underground think tanks and sequestered science labs, have come up with something new. In a life-imitates-art move reminiscent of a James Bond villain using an escape route so he can continue his world domination plans from a remote location, the biotech industry has stunned observers with their announcement of a new direction.
The something new is to be called NEO. This stands for Naturally Enhanced Organisms. The plan is to undercut GMO labeling plans by proudly displaying a green, leafy NEO emblem that, according to sources close to the project, is “psychologically engineered to inspire consumer confidence.”
Due to the fact that GMOs not only generate bad public relations but also simply don’t work and create a whole host of known and unknown problems (read potential lawsuits), new technology was needed to go along with the rebranding.
Here’s an insider look at what’s next in biotech. It’s based on the idea that nature works. Of course, a farmer can grow produce without GMOs, as it’s been done throughout history. The problem for industry is that nature can’t be patented and there’s now a lot of capital tied up in GMOs.
Big biotech companies already have huge inventories of seeds implanted with genetically modified material. In what secret memos call Operation NEO, the same seed stock is used and implanted with natural plant essence (corn, alfalfa, sugar beets, etc., depending on what crop they’re working on). In this way, you have corn modified by genetic material and further modified by including additional natural (non-GMO) corn.
Biotech scientists characterize this new hybrid as more natural because it’s two parts natural corn to one part genetically altered material. More importantly, though, it can be patented and gets a new name.
But what about the GMO part? Doesn’t that have to be labeled? Short answer: no. Why? Because in tandem with this development, Washington industry lobbyists have been working around the clock pushing through various standards modifications at regulatory agency level that don’t require legislation or those potentially embarrassing congressional hearings.
The new regulations state that a plant or seed is only considered to be genetically modified if it contains an equal or greater amount of genetically implanted material versus natural material. So, with the new 2:1 ratio, industry isn’t legally required to declare anything.
According to the Street rumor mill, this group is very pleased with itself and its plans, and is so confident of its success that it aims to revive the ailing tobacco industry by introducing healthgarettes. These are said to be 100 percent plant-based cigarettes. Yes, they contain tobacco, but tobacco is a plant and they’ve condensed it to one-third (enough to maintain addiction) and the other two-thirds is made up of vegetables. They claim these are really just like cooked vegetables (smoked, if you will), and everybody knows how healthy vegetables are! A pack of healthgarettes will be comparable to a full serving of vegetables, and it’s vegan too!
They are apparently holding off on this announcement until after the NEO launch, but we are told that manufacturing is already in progress.
NB: For those of you who thought this was real, the writers are gratified, but please note the issue date at the beginning of the article.